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ON TOP OF BITCH MOUNTAIN

by CYBERBULLY

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1.
No Good I Should maybe try a bit maybe some good will come of it maybe ill Get better equipped to do anything anything Anything DONT YOU THINK IM TRYING TO EQUIVOCATE MY HAPPINESS WITH SOMETHING CLOSE TO MORAL GOOD SPITE SELF DETERMINED NON DESERVANCE Nothing Blanket Feeling Inept cant ever know what to do maybe there’s nothing you can do There’s never nothing you cant do You just dont do you just dont do DONT YOU THINK IM TRYING TO EQUIVOCATE MY HAPPINESS WITH SOMETHING CLOSE TO MORAL GOOD SPITE SELF DETERMINED NON DESERVANCE NO LIES SELF DESPISE YOU KNOW NOTHING NOTHING
2.
no one can do it themselves think we could all use some help Not to replicate the things Socialized into our being DIY DIC DIE COLLECTIVELY BULLSHIT RUNS DEEP Recreating systems stacked against us Pretending like us “knowing” shit Will always protect us hierarchies feed off Individuality’s tendency to demand itself as Highest moral authority Transactionary interactions Social currency keeps on stackin Are you safe enough? Are you awake enough? Are you in and out you win or lose youre good youre bad dont understand WHAT PROOF You got that you belong? Are you cool enough to sing along? Better not catch you dancin If you’re not up to standards nuance is up to me Individually dont you see? Holy shit it makes no goddamn sense This is that nonsense we’re tryna get past Pointing fingers at this point is just worthless Collectively we gotta see that we’re all in this RIGHT NOW
3.
OVERWHELMING SHAME DRIPS DOWN MY BACK HOW DARE I FUCK IT UP AGAIN YOU JUST WOKE UP ALREADY SUCKED INTO A SPIRAL WITH NO END IN SIGHT ETERNAL PLIGHT MELODRAMATIC VISIONS FILL MY EYES STARE BLANKLY AT THE WALL ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO FEEL AT ALL NOT LOST AT WHAT COST Don’t you know what time it is Get up quick or just stay in you fucking ALL FEELS LOST CAN’T PAY THE COST END IN SIGHT ETERNAL PLIGHT MELODRAMATIC VISIONS FILL MY EYES STARE BLANKLY AT THE WALL ITS WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING TO FEEL NO No floor below me One false move im falling down to Not weak but not there Foundation is crumbling to the ground GROUNDED MID-AIR NO MEANS TO END
4.
133CH 03:01
Little baby leech where’d you get that blood? you takin bites out of the people that you love? Laying idly by, counting all the ways You wish you could remove your teeth but its too late Little baby leech where’d you get that money? You think that you deserve that milk and honey? Get a fucking clue, you dont have a chance It’s all your fault cause you wont get off of your ass SYSTEMIC PROBLEMS WANT TO SOLVE THEM FEEL COMPLICIT JUST EXISITING JUST A HUSK OF DISTRUST Guilt runs So deeply Always Conceding Resisting Assistance continued Resentment Of myself LEECHING
5.
Closed off To the world Inside outside Neithers real life I cant feel my skin and hate my bones Closed off To myself Inside outside Neithers real life I cant feel my skin and hate my bones Open up the door FUCK that’s unthinkable Think about my body that’s unspeakable Always caught in preparation Always filled with hesitation Always stuck on presentation I cant feel my skin and hate my bones
6.
Losing grip on reality So many days gone by Lost weeks to this horrid dream Gonna keep on failing me Reactionary brains Got a short leash Tell myself it’s all on me this Unrelenting lack of sleep Anxiety depriving me of Comfort leads to no release No matter what i do it seems Awakeness wont let go of me The one thing that i know will help I simply cant afford to get Foreseeable future Brain’ll be a cruel jerk It’s hard enough to get through days Without these horrible displays of Bodily rebellion Feels machiavellian Fear of hostile takeover with Ransom being mental health just cant seem to find solutions just cant seem to frame the rule set Just cant seem to fake ways through it Just cant seem to feel control in MY OWN BODY THE FUCK IS AUTONOMY WHAT’S THIS BODY THE FUCK IS AGENCY
7.
Double Life Not the cool kind constructs are self applied scared that they’ll realize themselves become me run the possibilities over and over again over and over again hundreds of times in my head Catastrophic thinking takes hold wont let go again Wont let go again Til i make amends With my reflection Cant move on til this resolves im Running in circles again Running until im sick rehearsing hypotheticals Just theoretical It ‘s incredible the lengths ill go to never know
8.
im so tired ive woken up exhausted again Running miles In dreams i cant remember I wanna feel better bout it So absurd The way that this can make or break The time i have to spend awake Dreaming WAKING NOT ESCAPING
9.
Here we go again here we go again Just some more distorted shit for me to Bitch and moan over again hear the track again Hear the track again hear the track again Just some more distorted shit to keep me busy sitting in my bed Losing time stay occupied or Everything you say bout you comes True so true how sad boo hoo This pity partys way too much for you Here we go again here we go again Just some more distorted shit for me to Bitch and moan over again Hear the track again hear the track again Just some more distorted shit for me to Keep me busy keep me sitting in my bed Losing time stay occupied as Everything you say bout you comes True so true how sad boo hoo This pity partys fine without you No more time for lies you Can’t ignore the lights Just too many words you never have the sights To give yourself what’s due And all the folks around you Bitter shallow ends to Self aggrandize in Superficial folly Spectacle for all to see Superficial folly Spectacle for all to see Superficial folly Spectacle for all to see Superficial folly Spectacle for all to see False
10.
Bold i wanna be wanna feel free Confidence No regrets Effortlessly Want to be me So far away Reach endlessly Desparately NEVER Fraudulent existence Calculated presence God you’re just obsessed with Being hugely conspicuous Solace feeling like a cop out Makes my sense of self just drop out Cant find middle grounds to go out Sense of self feels like a throw out Do you even know yourself? Why wont you just show yourself? God this fronting like youve got a fucking clue just throws yourself Right under tires burns like fire Firm reminder I feel lost as shit
11.
Landlord Clueless Apologies Useless What’s the dollar value of the space i take up Too much for you to even try to fake that you give a fuck I tried to make my voice heard so youd get thiss too much But nah youd rather waste your time make sure i stay sunk I asked how much you think its worth for me to just be here I wonder what its worth to you to just steer clear Of dirty people like me lost in thoughtless meritocracy A structure made to hold the blame like a weight atop my lungs Landlord Stooges Safety Unrooted Landlord Clueless Apologies Useless With a distance not had before I feel alien ever more
12.
EYEBALLS SCARE ME MORE THAN MOST THINGS I cant let them see me I cant let them see me What if someone sees me I CANT TAKE THAT BRAIN IN JAR IDEAL FORM NO CONFRONTING THINGS I CANT BE If they see me What does that mean I just wish to live not be perceived
13.
Stench of sweat regret dreams came to me Guilt takes hold and loses meaning contempt attempt one more interpretation No use no moves lay still why u bother tryna solve yr subconscious’ non-ass-problems Just need to get it in yr head you’ll wake up every day exhausted Stench of sweat regret dreams that came to me Guilt takes hold and loses meaning contempt attempt one more interpretation No use no moves lay still why u bother tryna solve yr subconscious’ non-ass-problems Just need to get it in yr head you’ll wake up every day exhausted No more rest this test is constantly failed Stuck fuck i feel like i cant quite breathe contempt attempt one last interpretation No use no moves lay still No more rest this test constantly failed Stuck fuck i feel like i cant quite breathe Regret regret regret i carry everyday No use no moves nothing
14.
unclear what it means to be useful eludes me still unseen What i wish to be not feel eludes me still unknowing Not my wish to be or feel eludes me still Unable To perform this impossible task ive come to ask of me Literally does not exist Whatever weird dead end you posit Possibilities have to include a world where You cant solve it All you know is not the world Abstract reality gets hurled Out of the window in despair Once brave enough to go out there Too bad Softest lead Holds me in bed Day seems erased The suns gone dead How did you end up here again Did “bad luck” break the mirror again This mental pacing has no end the Cracks in self reflection bend An image i still fail to see Avert my eyes when cast before me How can i expect much more if Out the door is so beyond me Too bad Softest lead Holds me in bed Day seems erased The suns gone dead
15.
Day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day Day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day to Day What’s that you don’t know you say? Day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day Day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day to day Tough luck you lose wont ever get a goddamn clue Night after night after night after night after night after Night i cant find point of respite feeling seems uncontested Fight after fight after fight after fight after fight after Fight two steps back again flack again never really see a change in Night after night after night after night after night after Night feel so cold and cowardly my head outside of me Light after light after light after light after light after Light two steps more to death powerless it feels unrelenting Motionless Unrest Distrust Disgust Purported freedom Guilt amounting Perceived morality Still accounting All the shame that You have brung All the blame you Keep unsung Feels wise to name My great fears home But i deserve its halls to roam
16.
its not fine to feel such confinement Its not fine to feel such misalignment Its not fine to feel so contrite in Living at all

about

where i live, and seemingly where i'll die.


or nah, i just really dont trust myself about much anything these days.

this one's a lil rough around the edges, couldn't bear to tinker with it anymore. also loud.

thanks cb<3, bc, sy, js, pl, tk, and everyone else for your love, support and ears.

sorry it took so long,


<3

credits

released April 3, 2020

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CYBERBULLY Providence, Rhode Island

confused feelings i really dont like myself noisy laptop music

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